In brief

How can I validate someone with BPD without agreeing with them?

Validation means recognizing that the emotion underneath is real and makes sense from inside the other person's experience. It concedes nothing about the facts, excuses no behaviour, and commits to nothing about the future. Keeping the emotion and the facts separate is what lets you say something true without giving up your own position.

If you love someone with borderline personality disorder (or someone with intense emotions), you have probably been told to "validate more."

Validation means recognizing the deep emotion underneath our loved one's rage towards themselves or others, assuring them that the emotion is real, and that it makes sense from inside their experience. It's not about agreeing with their version of the facts, excusing bad behaviour, nor making a commitment about the future.

When learning about validation, many people initially feel like they are being asked to give in to manipulation, roll over, or let their loved one walk all over them. One reason it feels like that is often that we aren't aware of our own emotions and how they are influencing our reactions. But the true meaning of validation doesn't imply these things at all.

Why validation feels like surrender

Validation doesn't feel logical. The terrible things our loved ones are saying just aren't factually correct, and we want to debate them. Their demands are unrealistic and impossible, and we just want to talk some sense into them! Validation feels like capitulating, and that reaction makes sense.

But validation doesn't say "you're right about the facts." It says "your feelings are real, and given how this looks from inside your experience, they make sense." You can believe someone is factually wrong and still recognize that their emotion is genuine and understandable.

Validation vs. agreement, approval, and problem-solving

Three things validation is routinely mistaken for:

  • Agreement — "You're right, we did exclude you." Validation doesn't concede facts. "It really hurt to feel left out" concedes nothing except that the hurt is real.
  • Approval — validating anger is not endorsing what the anger did. You can validate the feeling and still hold a boundary about the behaviour, in the same conversation.
  • Problem-solving — the fastest way to invalidate someone is to fix them. Giving advice often feels like being told "your emotion is a malfunction to be corrected."

Why it works

When emotions get big, the pre-frontal cortex (which allows us to think and reason) becomes impaired. Consider what it is like when someone cuts you off in traffic and you're in a blind rage for a few minutes. That's a time when it's hard to think clearly. Our highly sensitive loved ones feel like that much more often than we do. In that state, the capacity to process language, weigh perspectives, and reach for coping skills shrinks. They may genuinely not be able to hear the perfectly reasonable argument you want to make.

Validation is a skill that aims to reduce physiological arousal and make it easier to think and communicate.

A three-step structure

  1. WAIT. Ask "Why am I talking?". You can't make your point when the other person can't think straight. And you can't listen for the emotion that is driving their dysregulation if you are busy trying to win. Tell yourself: the facts can be litigated tomorrow; the feeling is here tonight.
  2. Find the kernel that's true. Under almost every accusation is an emotion that makes sense from inside their experience: fear of being abandoned, shame at needing help, grief at being different. You're not looking for what's accurate about the story — you're looking for what's real in the feeling.
  3. Validate the emotion Acknowledge how your loved one is feeling, and resist the urge to add a "but". Winning the argument or discussing a boundary is for another conversation, when your person is regulated.

What to say

When you don't know what to say, here are some suggestions :

  • "I hear you."
  • "That sounds tough."
  • "That makes sense."
  • "I can see how much this hurts."
  • "Tell me more."
  • "I'm here."

Five scripts

Here are some words you might be able to adapt in a way that sounds like you:

"You don't care about me. You never have." "It must be awful to feel that I don't care. Can you help me understand what that's like for you?" (Not: "I do care about you!" which they might feel makes them wrong.)

"You always take their side." "It makes sense that you would feel angry." (Not: "I didn't take their side". That would be litigating facts when the feeling is still too overwhelming.)

Cancelled plans, followed by rage "I know you were counting on tonight. It must feel awful to feel so let down when you'd finally let yourself look forward to something."

"You'd all be better off without me." "I hear how much pain you're in right now. You matter to me and I'm not going anywhere. Can we talk about how bad it is?" (If self-harm or suicide comes up, take it seriously every time. Ask directly and call or text 9-8-8.)

Enforcing rules "I understand that you're furious about this rule. It gets in the way of something you really want. I'm keeping the rule. And I'm not leaving the conversation."

What not to say

  • "Calm down."
  • "You're overreacting."
  • "That's not what happened." (Even if it's true.)
  • "I understand, but…" ("but" erases everything before it.)
  • "Other people have it worse." (Comparison invalidates the person's emotion, making them feel even more isolated.)
  • Anything that uses the diagnosis as a weapon — "you're being so borderline right now."

When validation isn't enough

Validation is never an excuse for physical abuse or threats to safety. Never hesitate to call 911 for protection. Tell the police that it is a mental health issue. Validation of feelings sits alongside firm limits when it comes to safety, for everyone.

If self-harm or suicide comes up: take it seriously every time, even when it's frequent. Ask directly — "are you thinking about hurting yourself?"

In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline) any time, for them or for yourself. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. Don't promise secrecy you can't keep — you can validate the pain and still get help involved.

Self-validation, self-care, and grief

The skill you're learning to offer is also important for yourself. Your exhaustion makes sense. Your resentment, your fear of the next phone call, your grief are all perfectly reasonable responses to an incredibly difficult situation. Practising validation toward someone else shouldn't mean your feelings wait forever.

Self-care isn't spa language; it's maintenance of the only instrument you have. Sleep, food, movement, enjoyable activities, and at least one person you can be honest with are important. When your reserves are empty, validation becomes impossible. If you find you can't validate because you're too depleted, that's not a skills failure. That's a signal that you need support too.

And name the grief. Many parents and partners have plenty to mourn: the relationship they expected, the milestones that look different now, the ease other families seem to have. That grief is real, it is not disloyalty, and it needs space to process. For many people, acknowledging it rather than pushing it down is what finally lets them show up in the way they want to.

Support for you

The person doing the validating needs somewhere to stand. Some options, starting with the free ones:

  • Family Connections — a free, 12-week, evidence-based skills program for family members, run by trained peer leaders. Offered by BPD Alliance (US) and Sashbear (Canada).

  • Therapy for your own wellbeing — if the caregiving has become depression, anxiety, or burnout of your own, that deserves clinical care from a registered professional. I practise as a psychotherapist at Precision Psychotherapy; many other Registered Psychotherapists in Ontario also work with family members, and choosing any of them is a good outcome.

Sources and further reading